We talked almost every day on the phone. Sometimes it was a check in call. Other times it was a 45 minute chat.
It was late afternoon when the phone rang. As soon as I heard Mark’s hushed voice, I knew that something was wrong.
He had been fired.
This is my one of my dearest friends we’re talking about. Mark and I met 30 some years ago as rookies in the world of broadcasting.
Making a lot of money isn’t the road to happiness
Within a few years he moved to NYC, quickly rose the corporate ladder and became a high level executive.
I heard about all of his professional victories. He talked about the amount of money he made. It was a lot.
Once in a while when he felt safe and vulnerable, his feelings of not ‘being good enough’ came through.
His colleagues and bosses were ruthless, lacking in compassion and interpersonal skills. Mark didn’t fit in.
He came to me for counsel. He observed me living a life filled with passion…gardening, playing the cello, and writing. And wanted to know how I did it.
I told him there was no magic to it, that he had options. His response was that maybe in 5 years when he had made enough money he could imagine leaving his job and doing something he loved.
Getting fired can be the key to freedom
Mark was a prisoner of his life. He felt disconnected from his wife, friends, but especially from himself. He knew that he needed to get out of where he was.
But he didn’t have the courage.
Until he got fired.
Underneath the bravado, Mark knew that his days were numbered. He had seen other colleagues thrown under the bus. But didn’t want to admit that he was next in line.
The person who fired him was a friend. They went on vacations and did family outings together.
After it happened, Mark went through phases of anger, fear, grappling with the unknown, and reflection.
Resiliency is an element of creativity
It didn’t take long for him to get back on his feet. His creative juices went into third gear.
He put his toe in the water and tried a few ideas. When they didn’t pan out, he returned to the drawing board and waited for the next idea to emerge.
Creativity can happen any time and anywhere
Mark took a part time job at a clothing store to keep himself busy. He turned it into a competition, working to become the top salesperson in the store…which he did.
He reframed how he perceived a minimum wage job, making it playful and productive. An example of creativity at its best.
The good news is that while Mark was still working as an executive, his instincts kicked in. He applied and was accepted to a 2 year program to become an interfaith minister.
At seminary, Mark was a fish in water. He immersed himself in studying religions, rituals, and spirituality. And began his journey of self forgiveness, love, and compassion.
When you find the key to freedom, you can live your dreams
After selling their house, Mark and Susan (his wife) moved to Montana. It was something they had dreamt about doing when he retired. They were now free to do it.
At our graduation (I also went to seminary), Mark told me he was going to spend the rest of his life being of service to God.
I looked in Mark’s eyes and saw his soul radiating. I knew he had found his truth.
Three years later:
Mark is working as a Hospice Chaplain at a major hospital. Staff and patients are drawn to his kindness and compassion. He’s highly respected.
His weekends are filled officiating at wedding ceremonies, funerals, and baby namings.
He and Susan have developed a rich, loving relationship. They are part of a close knit community and surrounded by family. His mother and sons followed them there.
One more thing. Susan was diagnosed with cancer 13 years ago. It eventually metastisized to other parts of her body.
She could let cancer dictate her life. But no way she’s going to let it happen.
Mark and Susan treasure every minute they have together. They go hiking, play golf on weekends, and continue to host family dinners.
And my dear friend Mark?
He’s a man dealing with serious illness and death at work and home.
He’s a man at peace, grateful for being alive. Passionate about his calling and family. And the happiest he has ever been.
Here are 5 tips :
1. Be honest with yourself
In Mark’s case, the cover story was that he got fired. But the real one was that he hated his job and was afraid to quit.
Reflect on what really happened. The sooner you wrap your arms around your underlying feelings and story, the more quickly you’ll be able to take the next step in healing.
2. Slow down
Give yourself a time out. You’ve just received a major shock. Let it sink in. Do things that will make you feel good. You want to sleep in late? Do it. Feel like treating yourself to a double feature matinee? Go for it. Want to sprawl on the sofa and read a junkie novel after breakfast”? Sounds good to me.
3. Have a talk with yourself
When things get tough, it’s easy to blame yourself. To feel like a failure and ‘less than’. That’s no good.
A good exercise to do. Look at yourself in the bathroom mirror. Make friends with the person looking back at you. Tell yourself that you’re a kind, loving, intelligent and capable person.
Have this talk with yourself each morning and night.
4. Work at being resilient and optimistic
Resilience and optimism go hand in hand. If you’re not optimistic by nature, don’t worry. You can work at it.
Replace negative thoughts zooming around your brain with positive ones. Every time you feel like giving up or think ‘I can’t do any more’, don’t let yourself off the hook. Tell yourself ….’yes I can!’
Have faith and practice.
5. Brainstorm
Invite your family and close friends to a brainstorming session. After Mark lost his job, we spent a weekend brainstorming non-stop.
People who know and care about you see your strengths and gifts. They can come up with new opportunities and observations that you wouldn’t be able to do on your own. Plus being surrounded by all of this positive energy will give you a boost of confidence and a dose of ‘big love’.
6. Have a strong support group
Stay in touch with your friends and family. Let them know that you need their help and support. Not just once in a while. But ongoing.
Say ‘yes’ when they ask to meet you or want to introduce you to someone. Even if you don’t feel like it.
7. Take action
Start with small steps. Some phone calls. Taking a half day workshop. Buying fresh fruits, veggies, and other nutritious food to make a delicious dinner.
As you feel better, add in more activity. At least every few days, take a reading on how you’re feeling.
8. Give yourself a pat on the back
You don’t give yourself enough credit. Look how far you’ve come in such a short time.
Go to the famous mirror. Smile at the person on the other side. Give her a big thank you for reflecting back to you the best of who you are.
Tell us your story about dealing with obstacles, how you made it through, and where you are today.
Fran,
What a lovely post. A dear friend of mine once told me that sometimes God will do for us, what we are unable to do for ourselves. I hear from so many people who tell me that in the moment, getting fired is the most devastating thing possible. But then as they work through all the emotions of that event, it becomes the best thing that happened to them. It’s as though it is the permission slip they needed to align with their inner truths and follow that inner compass.
Your friend Mark is truly a living inspiration – but then, we all are in our own ways 🙂
Always,
~Kathryn
Dear Kathryn,
It is horrible to be fired. I have seen it happen to several of my friends over the years. For the first year, they mourn the less of what they had…even if they’ve gotten a new job.
I think we all see what we’re made of when we go through tough times…this is where resiliency comes into play. It is the division in the road….those who bounce back succeed and those who don’t have a much more difficult time.
I love what you said about God doing for us what we can’t do for ourselves. It sounds like you’re a person with faith (which also contributes to resiliency). Thanks for your thoughts Kathryn. Fran
Fran,
This was so beautiful and inspiring! Life can be so exquisitely beautiful even when we face challenging circumstances. Thank you for lifting my spirits tonight.
xoxo,
Angela
Angela…
It’s incredibly inspiring when I know of /read about individuals whose lives have become richer when faced with tough times. “The Book Of Awakening: Having The Life You Want By Being Present to the Life You Have” by Mark Nepo is worth checking out. I think you would appreciate it. xxoo-Fran
I know exactly what Mark went through. I was in a high paying job but had to live 2 hours from home during the week. When I left my husband and children every Sunday night, I wept. I couldn’t get out of the office soon enough on Friday afternoons. I knew the job was bad for every part of me but I thought I needed all the money.
I went out on maternity leave to have my third child. My leave was more like working from home while having a baby. I continued to work (frequently from bed) almost every day. Then I got a call from my boss requiring that I return to work weeks before we had already agreed. That first week that I returned, we had a big snow storm that shut down the city. I worked from my apartment near the office, thinking nothing of it. The next day I was fired with no pay beyond that day. I was devastated.
I ended up taking a much lower level job in a small town very close to my home. While I had to be in the office eight hours a day, I only needed about two of those hours to get the job done. I took the opportunity to find my passion and figure out how to live it.
That’s when I started blogging in an effort to support others. Over the first year it was such a wonderful experience of uncovering the layers I’ve been hiding behind. Like Mark, I’m still strugging to move past my “not good enough” issues.
I’m loving the people and community I’m now a part of. My husband says he’s so glad that I’ve finally found something I love and that seems perfect for me.
There’s so much I want to accomplish but it’s for me and those I can support. And I feel great about it!
Thanks so much for sharing this story Fran! It really touched my heart.
Dear Paige,
Although we’ve talked, I didn’t know the details of the history of your jobs and the sequence of events.
Paige, you have done a fantastic job of turning yourself and your life around. Talk about transforming yourself.
Believe me, you and Mark (who I just got off the phone with) are not the only ones struggling with not ‘good enough’. A lot of us are in there with you working our way out.
At the risk of sounding hokey, it was your destiny to become part of the blogging world. Your passion is palpable, your voice is clear, and you’re helping so many people. As you said, it’s for yourself. And that’s the good news. The folks around you, like me, are the recipients of your compassion, experience and knowing. Have a beautiful weekend Paige.
Hi Fran,
Although my life has not been very long, just a little over 3 decades, I have had my share of tough times. I recall when I first came out to work, I joined the insurance industry not knowing what else to do. My nature as an INFJ simply wasn’t suited to sales. It is just tiring for me meeting too many people to begin with. I switched to back room work, but that didn’t work out either.
Eventually, I decided to do my own blog and actually do what I loved. That is helping people. By using divination and intuition, I could actually make a difference in the lives of others when they faced hard choices in complex situations. I never felt more at home than I was advising people since this was what I was born to do. Vizier means “bearer of burden” or adviser, which is why I chose it as my pen name.
Thank you for sharing this lovely article!
Irving the Vizier
Irving,
How lucky you are that you’ve found your calling at such a young age. That’s a gift. Your blog is pretty impressive. I just made a trip over to check it out. I love the leading article on being tactful. Great information and well written.
I think that’s the beauty of blogging. When you find your voice and people who relate to it, you feel the satisfaction of doing something that you love …and being of service to others.
Have a beautiful weekend. Fran
Hi Fran,
What a story. I had no idea you went to ministerial school. Both myself and my husband have worked for ourselves all but a few years when we were young. My brother-in-law just retired. He worked for the Parks and Recreation for 35 years. He loved his job. I admire people who can stay in one place. Crazy I know!
Tess…
Yes…I attend an interfaith seminary for 2 years. It was a fantastic experience.
You working for someone? Or me? I don’t think either of us would last long 🙂 fran
Fran,
fantastic story and powerful advice. Like a life preserver, this post alone could carry people through hard transitions.
Two years ago I worked at a large telecommunications company. The job was demanding but I’d made a lot of good friends over the years who composed an unusual, but tight family.
Then our group was sold to another firm.
Our new owners called us into a meeting. All those people I’d known for years, people who struggled, fought through problems and made our company tick, waited for reassurance.
Our new president stood before us in his perfect suit and perfect smile and told us the company was going to make some exciting changes (he actually said “exciting.”) The company was going to outsource all IT functions to a division in the Dominican Republic. We could quit immediately or earn a cash bonus if we stayed to train our replacements.
That was a bad meeting.
I felt betrayed and bitter about giving the knowledge and systems I’d spent years developing to the person taking my job. But, I had a big mortgage and little kids at home so I stayed to train.
When Francisco walked into my office he reminded me of a bunny. He was a small, meek kid just out of university, struggling with a strange language in a strange country. He was terrified. He knew the situation and expected the worst.
I was angry, but not at this kid. We worked hard that month and I introduced him to the wonders of fried ice cream, snowballs and driving on ice.
By the time I left, my anger was gone.
People muddle through, trying to find their joy, please their families or please their shareholders. We all muddle through, part blind, part lost. If we help those we can along the way, some of the fog will lift and we’ll all, eventually, find our way.
Markus…
What a story you have. I felt like I was reading an outline for a screen play (another conversation).
Working hard for a company and having a tight group of friends…and then literally having the rug pulled out from underneath you…by someone who couldn’t hear the music of human emotions, is a tough one.
Talk about a shock to your system. Feeling bitter and betrayed after giving so much to the company ….and being told to hand over your expertise to someone who is taking your job….is normal.
I’m impressed that you had the emotional awareness and skills not to blame Francisco. It’s awesome that your kindness took center stage and that you opened him up to some of his first American experience.
Your philosophy of helping others along the way is a beautiful one Markus. You’re making a significant impact on the world when you live this way. Thanks for sharing. Fran
Hi Fran,
I grew up with a stuttering problem, so life was pretty hard when I was younger.
I was living in constant fear and anxiety, and would avoid speaking as much as I could. If there was ever someone who was not optimistic, it was me.
But as you quite right said, even if you’re not optimistic, you can work at it. And that is what I did. I practiced and practiced changing my thought and behaviour patterns. Creative visualisation, re-framing, you name it, I was doing.
Slowly over time the optimism and resilience will grow. And you are so right. We must have faith that it will.
Hiten,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. A friend of mine in jr. high school had a pretty serious stuttering problem. He was part of the group that I hung out with and everyone liked him. I so admired his tenacity but I’m sure like you, he probably talked a lot less and chose his words carefully to minimize the amount he stuttered.
Your story is a great one. I don’t know what the turning point was for you in committing to change your attitude. I’m impressed Hiten.
You’re a great example to others about the ability to learn new traits that become a significant part of your personality…and can literally change your life.
It sounds like your faith helped to pull you through. I have tears in my eyes from your story. It is a beautiful one Hiten..Fran
Hi Fran,
I’ve enjoyed your comments on Melody’s blog and thought I’d stop by yours. What a great post! For me, the turning point has been illness. Twice I’ve literally almost worked myself to death. Now I’m healthy, retired, relaxed, and supremely happy!
A big step for me was moving to Mexico last year. I’m not allowed to work here on the visa I have. Removing the possibility let me release the “should earn money.” I was lucky enough to work (okay, too hard!) at a job I loved, teaching, so I have a pension, small but adequate. The first of every month is like Christmas!
Now I live the axiom that the easiest way to have more money is to spend less. It’s true. Abundance is available if we can only recognize what it looks like. Your eight steps are a great guideline to getting there.
Hugs,
Mary Carol
Mary Carol,
I love your comment. You speak with great authority. Working yourself to death 2 times is enough to get you to open your eyes…isn’t it amazing what it takes sometimes to shake us out of our seeing how we are in the world only one way?
Moving to Mexico? What a great idea. I hear wonderful things about it.
There are a few other bloggers that have done the same as you and are loving it. And how brilliant that you’re not allowed to work. That’s a gift….
You remind me of a dear friend of mine who left her job as an interior designer because she felt she was called to do work in the community. I have watched her over the past 25 years making ends meet living off of her pension. And guess what? She is by far the happiest person I know.
Your phrase ‘Abundance is available if we can only recognize what it looks like’ is a classic. I’ve never heard it before. . This is one I’m going to write down in my journal of quotes.
Great meeting you :)) Fran
Wow! What a list!! This is a great post and a great reminder to the many people whose lives have been devastated by this economy. My husband and I both have jobs that we love. His job has been affected by the economy and he has decided to stick it out because he loves his job. But we’ve had to do many things that are on your list.
I also enjoyed reading all the comments. This post has definitely hit close to home for many people. Thanks Fran!
Hi Betsy,
You and your husband are very, very lucky that you have jobs that you love. It’s a testament to your husband that he had made the decision to stick it out because it’s what he wants to be doing. It makes it a lot easier to cut back on spending when you feel like you’re living your passion.
When I see the hundreds of thousands (millions?) who have been let go, it breaks my heart. But then I remind myself that when put to the test, individuals can be extraordinary and achieve things they never thought possible. 🙂 Fran
Love this post! Found you through Zen Mama Betsy.
Yes, I can attest that sometimes when you are unsure of what to do, the whole universe conspires to help you find your way. 🙂
Hi Sheila….
As George Michael said ‘You gotta have faith’. It sounds like you have some stories to share. Thanks for stopping by. Fran
Hi Fran,
Love this inspiring post! Sometimes when we are so fearful to make a change, the powers at be come in and give us a hand. Getting fired, or any other disaster often has that silver lining. It may take awhile to show itself, but it is there when we take a moment to look.
Thanks for sharing Mark’s story. It is always a struggle to start over, but many times, we are glad we did.
Cathy..
Starting over can be excruciatingly difficult. But for most of us who have lived a certain amount of time on this earth (LOL), it’s inevitable. It’s how we go about dealing with the tough times/starting over that makes for the possibility of a rich life.:) Fran
Fran, what a wonderful story of faith and perseverance.
My story and my journey into self-discovery began over 10 years ago when within a few days, my marriage ended, I got fired from the dot-com I had invested my life and soul in. And I suddenly was without a car and a proper home.
Over that fateful weekend, I resolved to get my life back together again – and the rest is history:-)
The human spirit is very resilient – we just have to go within and listen to our heart.
Arvind..
Who would ever know from your magnificent smile and inspirational words that your world fell apart 10 years ago.
It’s a miracle…isn’t it….that our souls are so incredibly resilient. I never stop being in awe of it. Fran
Hi Fran,
I really loved that story 🙂
Back in 2005 I was working as a trilingual legal assistant for a very greedy boss and the whole thing turned out to make me hate my job over time. I know I should have quit, because we were like an old couple arguing a lot, but I was like your friend, I was so scared to quit. One day of September 2005 I was nicely ask to leave.
It was the best thing that happened to me. I took a whole year a half off and started to get involved with my new life, namely internet marketing, blogging, writing and personal development. Darn, I should have quit, but that’s what fear does. I agree, losing your job can be such freedom!
Thanks for sharing this 🙂
Sylviane….
Your story is a great one about how our souls need to fly high and free.
Isn’t it amazing how something so traumatic as being fired can end up being a blessing?
I’m impressed that you were able to take a year and a half off to figure some things out.
How great that you’ve discovered something you love doing.:) Fran
Hi Fran,
Thanks for you’re reply. I like to come back on blogs I leave comments on, you know, because I love when people leave comments on my own blog, so I feel that my comment should at least show up 🙂 🙂 And even better why people do actually reply.
Yeah, my year and half off left me with some debts that I have never, ever had before, but it was all worth it, darn! 🙂 I just couldn’t go back to a job, like when you don’t want to remarry right after you just went through a bad divorce.
P.S: You might think it’s far fetch, but your name remind me home, because I am from France and I grew up in a small village near Lyon called Saint- Sorlin 🙂
Hi Sylviane,
Thanks for stopping by as a follow up. You know, sometimes I think that going into debt (for the right reasons) is a way of testing how much you believe in yourself…which you obviously did.
HA….as far as my name having an association with a French town, how wonderful. I love France. One of my dreams was to have a home in Provence….and what can I say about Paris? La plus ville dans le monde.
My daughter is talking about having her wedding in Paris….rather than a traditional one which her brother had this past year.
I’m all for it. Fran
P.S. I left a comment on your blog…I love what you’re writing about…
Fran, this post is a gift. When life breaks our hearts and knocks the breath out of us for a moment, it can be completely devastating. Your post reminds readers of the importance of choosing life and choosing options. “Work at being resilient and optimistic ” is a phenomenal tip – far too often it appears that some people are just born optimistic and life supports their optimism, what isn’t seen is that it’s a choice. And a choice that sometimes takes more work, and more effort than anyone can see.
When obstacles strike I’ve chosen to go straight to gratitude, it’s the only thing that keeps me from falling apart when heavy realities strike. It’s not the most natural thing to do, but the alternative is to “face” the problem, which means focus on the problem, which tends to keep one in the problem. Finding gratitude lifts the spirit, deepens the breath, shifts the focus and opens the mind and being to opportunity.
Thank you for sharing this story.
Aileen,
I don’t know how you learned to focus on feeling gratitude when confronted with obstacles or tough times.
Do you know how much work and years it takes for a lot of people to even understand what that means….and that they have the ability to make it happen?
As a spiritual counselor, I work with clients on touching their ‘soul spot’ a place where they’re able to experience a feeling of abundance and gratitude.
Aileen, it looks like you got the ‘gratitude gene’. Lucky you!:) Fran