“Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” Martin Luther King Jr.
There are lots of reasons you ask for forgiveness.
Because you did or said something that hurts another person. If you feel guilty about an action or thought. Or it’s just easier than trying to talk about it with an individual who is convinced it’s your fault.
How many times have you lashed out at someone who has hurt you?
How many times have you held a grudge, even if someone has said they’re sorry?
You’re pissed at your husband because you don’t think he’s pulling his weight with the housecleaning. Eventually, you blow up like a tornado. He says he’s sorry.
You accept his apology. But on the inside, you’re still furious.
How many times are you steaming inside because you’re offended by what a friend has said to you… and they don’t even know that you’ve been hurt by their words?
It’s not a pretty picture. And it’s certainly not a formula for having loving, connected relationships.
You’re stuck in an exhausting cycle. You feel lousy about yourself. You know you have to make some changes but don’t know how.
FIVE TIPS
1. Forgive yourself
Forgiving yourself is a process, not a quick fix.
You can’t snap your fingers and make it happen.
As a minister and spiritual counselor, I work with individuals who come to me because they want to have more meaning in their lives. I’ve never had a client walk through my door that doesn’t have issues around self forgiveness.
So don’t worry, you’re not alone.
A good first step is to admit how angry you are with yourself. How ashamed and disappointed you feel. The tendency will be to run from it…..don’t.
Allow self anger to come out of the shadows. Observe and get to know what situation sparks it.
Every one has this facet to their personality. It’s part of the human experience.
2. Give up the need to always be right
You don’t forgive easily. You always have to prove that you have good reason to be angry. A need to maintain control.
You run from your fear like a sprinter in a race.
That’s not a good place to be.
Close your eyes and imagine how it would feel if you chose to be silent. Not an easy thing to do. But with desire and practice, your icy stubborn piece will melt into a fresh water river.
3. Don’t let other peoples’ emotions effect you
The way that someone responds to a situation is a reflection of how she feels about herself. It’s not about you.
When someone’s angry at you, look at the situation objectively. Rather than immediately responding, sit quietly and check out your own feelings.
If your behavior has been hurtful, the solution is to say you were wrong and ask for forgiveness.
And that’s it. No self flagellation. It’s important to learn from your mistakes but not to beat yourself up.
Not only does guilt not serve a purpose but it’s counter productive. It keeps you stuck in a place of shame and feeling ‘less than’.
Hold your head high and be proud of who you are. Yes, you’re imperfect. But all of us are.
4. Be in the moment
How can you use it in learning how to forgive?
You hurt someone, they hurt you. You ask for forgiveness or they ask for forgiveness. It doesn’t matter how the scenario plays out.
The bottom line is that all is forgiven.
Now get on with your life. These moments are gone. Never to be retrieved.
If you dwell on them, your thoughts are in the past. Stay focused on the present. Each moment.
5. Start with small changes
Think about it. If you begin to make small changes in your behavior, you’re creating a new response.
If you begin to think in a way you’ve never thought before, you’re creating untouched emotional and neuron pathways.
That’s pretty cool.
I call these step by step changes ‘creative morsels’.
They’re tiny delicious pieces (think chocolate chips) that are the building blocks of your new foundation.
A foundation where you’ll be able to forgive yourself.
A foundation where you’ll be able to forgive others.
When forgiving becomes a part of who you are, you’ll feel like a huge weight has been taken off of your shoulders.
You’ll no longer walk around being miserable. You’ll be smiling like an elf. No longer feeling tight like a coiled spring.
And finally, you’ll experience life with an open heart.
favorite inspirational posts of the week
Welcome To The New Possibility of Today Where Everything Is Possible For You —Sybil Chavis
Taking Time To Smell The Flowers — Vidya Sury
Where Do You Find Your Inspiration: 10 Ways To Find Your Inner Muse —- Betsy McKee Henry
Bold Living and Wildly Successful — Tess Marshall
Treatment Talk Monthly Message – Cathy Taughinbaugh
6 Positively Powerful Tips To Re-Ignite Your Excitement About Life—Zeenat Merchant-Syal
Choose To Be Happy for Happiness’ Sake — Nea Joy
Bearing grudges is a lousy way to go about life. What a burden. So much easier to forgive. Of course, forgetting is a bit of a challenge, since feelings don’t just evaporate magically. I think it is okay to remember and learn from the situations that hurt us. Hitting back is never a solution. It is like splashing in the slush and everyone gets dirty.
Interesting post, Fran!
Happy Women’s Day to you!
Vidya..
You are right on target about the burden of bearing grudges. As someone who writes about health, you know what that kind of energy does to a body.
I agree with you about remembering and learning from an incident. That’s different than feeling guilt for something that has already happened. But sure, I reflect on what was going on when I was angry or hurt. It’s the only way to grow… I hope you have a beautiful Women’s Day…
Hi Fran,
If someone does sincerely apologize for a mistake, I am not one to bear grudges.
But in the rare event that I am still mad after hearing a sorry, it is probably because it is not sincere or the person hasn’t fully understood what the sorry is for.
In such cases, it depends on how serious the situation is. If I can just close one eye I will. Otherwise, I will try as far as I can to meet them halfway. To carry out a conflict to the bitter end will only lead to needless problems even if I win.
I like the 5 tips you have shared with us to embrace forgiveness. I think it is vital to give up the need to always be right. We can be right, but at what cost? Must we be right and gain an enemy in the process? If we consider the bigger picture and the long term, it is better to meet people halfway and to maintain a harmonious relationship.
When it comes to embracing forgiveness, I feel it is vital to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and vice versa. Only when both sides have fully understood each other’s point of view can there be true forgiveness. Only under such circumstances can the matter be laid to rest once and for all for both parties to move on.
Thank you for sharing this lovely article!
Irving the Vizier
Irving…
You raise some good points. The putting yourself in other shoes is an important one. The issue of forgiveness is a tricky one. There are very powerful emotions around the subject. A lot of it has to do with hurt.
Some of the most powerful forgiving I’ve witnessed is when someone in a family is murdered and the family is able to forgive the killer…
Those people inspire me.
Always great to read your thoughts. 🙂 Fran
Hi Fran,
I think of myself as a forgiving person, which makes it easier for me to forgive. We often blame another person when in fact it’s our thoughts of the other person or what happened that we continue to hurt ourselves with.
I love chocolate chips!
Tess…I’ve learned over the years that whatever we feel about another person is often a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. And it’s usually the bad stuff. The more we can look inside and ask ourselves ‘why’ do we feel this way…what’s really going on underneath…the easier it is (I think) to forgive.
Am not surprised that you love chocolate chips. Give me a soft chocolate chip cookie and I’m in heaven.
Great post Fran! I really loved how you set up the mindset with the MLK quote at the beginning. A lot of good stuff to chew on with so few words!! Thank you!
Suzen….thanks. Am glad you liked it. I’m actually working hard on trying to say more in less words. Your comment is appreciated 🙂 Fran
These are all wonderful creative morsels, beginning with the opening quote about forgiveness being an attitude. It’s a constant practice, a frame of mind, as way of understanding a situation. All these steps will help us get to that attitude. Anything that will help us awaken compassion rather than judgment will help us stay connected and in that forgiving frame of mind. And you are right, we won’t forgive anyone else if we can’t forgive ourselves. I’ve learned that forgiveness is an all or nothing proposition. As long as we harbor unforgiveness towards anyone, we damage our own spirits. “Withholding forgiveness is like drinking rat poison hoping the rat will die.”
Great post, and thanks for the link to other posts as well. I’ll check them out right now.
Galen….Thanks for your reflections. I found what you said about forgiveness being an attitude, a practice, and a way of understanding something similar to how I describe being creative in our everyday lives. So the process of forgiveness is really one of being creative….we are re-framing what it is we feel/see and are determined to integrate an attitude of forgiveness into our being. Fran
When it comes to forgiving, I always ask myself: Do I want to be right or happy? Right always feels tight and restricted while happy just feels good.
I had the opportunity to practice this tonight with my son. He did something that made me angry (my ego was fearing my lack of control over the situation). I said some stupid things to him (my ego speaking while the true me couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth). Unfortunately, I didn’t take my own advice and take the moment to choose my response. Once the ugliness was out there, all I could do was honestly apologize to him. I explained to him how I knew I was wrong in the way I responded. I explained how I should have responded and told him how sorry I was. As the words came out I saw and felt him relax and open up to me again. He accepted the apology and gave me a big hug. While I know he won’t forget what I said, I feel that he did forgive me and we both feel better.
The steps that you’ve laid out here are a wonderful reminder of the process we go through to move to a better, happier place. Thank you so much!
Dear Paige,
I think it’s awesome that you were able to see how your need to control the situation caused an unpleasant scene. That’s where the learning takes place. By saying you’re sorry to your son, you were giving him exactly what he needed. These are lifelong lessons, aren’t they? Kindness? One of the most important qualities to possess (I think). Thanks for sharing your story Paige. 🙂 Fran
Fran,
I love this post! Forgiving is so difficult but when you’re able to do it you help yourself as well as the person you forgive. Giving up the need to be right is so important. I’ve been trying to do this for about 15 years after I heard Wayne Dyer once say, “If you have to chose between being right and being kind, chose kind.” It really stuck with me.
Thanks for this great reminder!!
And thanks for the linking me up with your beautiful post!
Wiht pleasure Betsy 🙂
Betsy…
I don’t know where our need for ‘being right’ originates. I would guess evolution has kept it alive. In a lot of instances today, it can be harmful. I know that not needing to be right all of the time is a tough one. But it’s like anything, once you get it, it becomes easier, not perfect, but easier. And the truth is – even if you don’t say anything externally, it doesn’t mean that you’re not having a brawling fight with the other person in your head (am i ever guilty of that one) 🙂 Fran
Over the course of my life, I have been fortunate on a very few occasions to encounter that rare piece of literary philosophy that has been life changing. This is one of them.
Since the day I first read this piece (just over a week ago), I’ve reread it every day (sometimes several times in a day) and tried to internalize the concepts as a mantra.
Thank you for one of the most profoundly sensitive and helpful tools to inner peace and personal development I’ve come across in years. As soon as I read it, I realized that it was the key to resolving one of the most frustrating and troubling conflicts I’ve experienced in my life.
Cathy,
Your words touch me deeply. And if this one post has helped you in anyway, it makes all of the writing I do and thought I give to Awake Create worthwhile.
I’m honored that you refer to this piece as literary philosophy. You refer to this post as life changing. I would love to know specifically how it has been the key to helping you work through a major issue in your life.
Please feel free to write me at: Fran.sorin@gmail.com if you want to communicate personally. Fondly, Fran
Dear Fran,
Thank you for your wonderful blog. It’s so uplifting. I feel compelled to add that forgiveness must be balanced by healthy boundaries and self respect. As someone who has spent their whole life forgiving abusive behaviour from family and in-laws, it’s also important to add something like a “three strikes and you’re out” rule for self preservation.
Jacquie…
Important point and much appreciated. Whether it’s an abusive relationship or not, there should always be boundaries. You can forgive me a distance and choose never to have contact with a person again because they are toxic and/or abusive. Thanks for your input and kind comment about my blog 🙂 Fran
I chanced upon this site and this particular post earlier this week I’ve bookmarked it on my reader and have read it many times since. Recently my relatives hurt my family on my wedding day and brought me to tears the next day. It hurts that they misunderstood without giving it a care or a thought. It’s frustrating that they were extremely rude even as they were talking to me about how I said something rude to them once on my wedding day. I apologised and meant it, but still feel helpless and hurt for my folks.
All I can do now is remember what you’ve written here. It’s so true, succinctly put, and so genuine. Thank you!
I’m sorry that this incident unfolded around your wedding. It’s difficult to deal with at anytime but it’s particularly painful when it happens on your wedding day.
I understand your hurt and feelings of helplessness. I’ve been there before. It is painful.
I’m glad that my article has been helpful to you. As I wrote, learning to forgive is a process. Give yourself time. And remember that whatever they said to your family and you has NOTHING to do with you. It’s all about them. I know that may be hard to believe….but it’s true.
You sound like a sensitive and caring individual. Focus on the joy that you and your husband felt on your wedding day…and the gratitude you feel for having found a partner in life.
I will be writing more about forgiveness. I’ve had some incidents recently that have tested me that I’ll be sharing. Know that I’m supporting you in your healing…..Warmly, Fran
Hello there, Fran,
How are you, my friend!
I was just checking out your site; I so appreciate being focused on the higher parts of our humanness. So, thank you.
Here’s a note that you may appreciate (or that may really annoy you). 🙂
My understanding of our language is that the word affect is a verb and the word effect is a noun. So, something can affect you; that thing causes effects on you. ‘A’ is for verb, ‘E’ is for noun.
This line of yours doesn’t follow that: “Don’t let other peoples’ emotions effect you”
My understanding is that it should say affect. From Dictionary.com I found the entries below. Oh, and, DO NOT think that I’m complaining — I LOVE what you do. I believe that when you notice something it’s good to tell someone, ok? So, this is a GOOD THING. 😉 The definitions are below my signature!
(By the way, I LOVE your site. That’s the kind of thing — in general — I’m working on doing myself: helpful things for other people! GOOD JOB!)
Have a great day!
Curtis
af·fect
verb (used with object)
1. to act on; produce an effect or change in: Cold weather affected the crops.
2. to impress the mind or move the feelings of: The music affected him deeply.
3. (of pain, disease, etc.) to attack or lay hold of.
ef·fect
noun
1. something that is produced by an agency or cause; result; consequence: Exposure to the sun had the effect of toughening his skin.
2. power to produce results; efficacy; force; validity; influence: His protest had no effect.
3. the state of being effective or operative; operation or execution; accomplishment or fulfillment: to bring a plan into effect.
4. a mental or emotional impression produced, as by a painting or a speech.
5. meaning or sense; purpose or intention: She disapproved of the proposal and wrote to that effect.
Curtis….Annoy me? Are you kidding? I so appreciate that you took the time to write and explain in detail the difference. Each time I use on the 2 words, I go over in my mind which is which. Now you’ve made it much easier for me. Thanks for stopping by and have a beautiful weekend. Fran