How often do you feel hurt by a family member, friend, or acquaintance? 
How much time have you spent analyzing, questioning, and playing out scenarios in order to justify your anger and hurt?
It’s exhausting. You’re consumed with negative energy that keeps you in a dark place. And you’re sending toxic energy into the world.
You’ve read endless books on how you can solve problems by igniting your creativity.
You’ve been told that you can work your way through the cycle of non-forgiveness.
You spend your life in a vicious cycle of hurt/anger/ judgment. I’ve had plenty of experience with it. For years I got hurt when I felt slighted or misunderstood.
Once in a while I was able to voice my hurt…which often came out as anger. Most of the time I said nothing and felt wounded.
How I respond today when someone refuses to forgive me has changed. Recently I had a chance to see it in action. This is what happened.
Jason, my son, got married last June in Israel. Only my closest friends from the United States were invited. By some fluke, a friend of mine, Robert, never received an invitation. Although he and his wife weren’t planning to come to the wedding, I told him that Jason would send out another one.
Well guess what? Jason had no extra invitations. I wrote Robert, made a joke about it, and apologized. I heard nothing back….which wasn’t like him.
When I wrote him 3 three months later to send him wishes for the Jewish New Year and didn’t receive a response, I knew something wasn’t right. My first thought was that he might be sick. But a friend mentioned that she had just seen him and he looked great.
don’t be sabotaged by critical thoughts
My heart dropped. The old feelings of ‘what I have done wrong?’, ‘I’m not good enough’ and dozens of other negative thoughts tried to sabotage my hard earned spiritual muscles. I quickly deflected them, sat down, breathed, and reflected.
My inner wisdom took charge and talked me through how to silently forgive Robert for cutting off our 35 year old relationship.
7 tips
- Don’t blame yourself. No one is void of making mistakes and hurting others unintentionally. It’s inevitable that you’ll hurt even the people you love most in your life.
- Go into your heart to feel compassion. If you’re not experiencing hurt or anger, it’s not difficult to do. If you are having negative feelings, breathe deeply and try to open your heart.
- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Whatever your story line is doesn’t matter. Imagine what you might feel if the same thing had happened to you.
- Work on self forgiveness. Get to know your critical and judgmental voice. Whenever you have a punitive thought about yourself, replace it with a positive one. You can’t forgive another person from a soul place until you’ve forgiven yourself.
- Search for the gift in the situation. It may not be visible immediately. But if you keep an open heart, it’ll show up.
- Look outside your immediate situation to the bigger picture. Even if a few million people are able to generate feelings of love and compassion when someone in the world is unable to forgive, imagine the powerful rippling effect their emotions have on the world.
- Take note of how far you’ve come on your spiritual journey. All of the risk taking, fear, and uncertainty you’ve encountered is paying off…..Big Time!
Now it’s your turn. Have you ever not been forgiven? Or have you been unable to forgive someone? Share your story with us.
The experiences of both being unable to forgive repeated major hurts as well as not being forgiven are so much a part of me. I wasn’t aware of how much anger is attached to all of it until I read this.
The hardest thing for me is that I can forgive, but when the same person does something yet again that is so injury provoking, so mean-spirited, it drags me down farther than if I had not forgiven to begin with. I have tried to eliminate toxic people from my world, but especially when you are related to them, that is often easier said than done.
Like you, I had a friend of over 30 years break off our friendship last year after I did something that I had serious misgivings about but which she personally asked that I do. The pain of that is still fresh but I am going to look at the whole situation through a new set of eyes and weigh your tips carefully.
Thanks for another post that truly touches my heart!
Cathy,
Keep on working at trying to shift the way you experience things emotionally. A suggestion….sign up for Tony Robbins 5 hours of free seminars that he has done. He makes some good points about emotions and how we have power over what we feel. I know you’ll get to the point where you won’t be effected by other people’s toxic behavior. I believe in you. 🙂 Fran
Hugs, Fran. It is a lovely post. Forgiveness is golden, indeed and allows us to live freely.
Vidya….I know that you have the gift of forgiveness. It sure does help us to live freely.
I recently had an incident with my mother during her visit for my son’s birthday. Her negativity, criticism and generally bad behavior were noticed by everyone. After she left, I sent her an email basically saying that she wouldn’t be welcome in our home if she couldn’t change her ways or learn how to put on a better face.
I found out from my brother that she claimed victim, saw nothing wrong with her behavior and couldn’t believe how evil I was in my email. I could have gotten all balled up with anger, like I used to. But this time I let everything go. I knew she could never see my side but I understood hers. And, for me, it’s all OK. Not ideal but it simply is what it is.
It may be a long time, if ever, before she forgives me but I’ve already forgiven her and that’s what’s important for my sanity and happiness.
I learned a long time ago that forgiving others is a gift for me, not them. Others will do and think whatever they will. I can’t control them. Other people have issues and circumstances that I’ll never fully understand and that’s OK. I accept them and the circumstances just the way they are.
Paige….You have done an incredible job of dealing from a heartfelt place with what was put on your platter. Yes…..it is less than ideal but it is a testament to your spiritual growth that you were able to use your voice of wisdom to guide you. And that you know that you benefit tremendously when practicing forgiveness. I also applaud you for putting boundaries up that your mother can’t invade. And boy, have you set a good example for your kids in being able to do this! Thanks for sharing your story Paige.
What a powerful post! I can’t imagine that a true friend would let you down like that. But I, too, know that horrible sinking feeling. My mother always told me that something must be wrong with the other person, not me. I love your 7 tips. And in the end, forgiveness is most important for the forgiver.
Betsy…
The truth is that my friend didn’t let me down. He is tremendously wounded and did what he needed to do in this situation to protect himself…..for whatever his reasons. If he is able to grow his spiritual/emotional muscles, one day he might look back on this incident and feel compassion for the man he once was. You know what? I still love him…and understand where he’s coming from. 🙂
What a beautiful blog. Fran, you would love the video we created on forgiveness. Forgiving is such an emotional mature conversation. Joy.
When I have a tough time forgiving someone I will pray for them twice a day. By the seventh day it never fails something shifts inside of me and all is well.
Tess….I love your idea about praying twice a day. I do it in the morning but not at night. It’s also interesting that by the 7th day something shifts inside of you.
Talk about great minds thinking alike–I just posted something on this same topic. I so related to your description of that sinking feeling–what have I done wrong. Once I tortured myself for two years about something like your situation, only to find out later that the noncommunication had nothing to do with anything I had done and the other person apologized. All that time, I was telling myself stories that weren’t true.
This forgiveness business is not for sissies!
Galen….I’m going to run over and read your post as soon as I’m done here.
You actually brought up a great point…the stories we tell ourselves about what we think another person’s feelings are. I’ve been where you are when it comes to storytelling. Man, does it ever suck energy out of you, doesn’t it? Fran
Hey nice post on forgivness here. You write so well. It takes courage to forgive.
Yes, it does take courage to forgive….but on the other hand, it is so painful not to be able to forgive. All of the hurt, anger, and self hate are toxic. Because of fear, so many of us choose not to release them. But if everyone knew how beautiful it is to be on the other side of non-forgiveness, they would be jumping through hoops to get to this peaceful place. Fran
This was a great message to accidentally stumble upon today. I am currently in a period of resentment and anger towards my ex husband, an alcoholic deep in his disease. He continues to let his children down financially, and just when I think I have let the anger go …the old anger pops back up.
It was suggested to me today to pray for him to have all the things that I want for myself. Getting back to a place of compassion for his disease is also helpful as well. Ultimately, I am responsible for my own happiness and sense of well-being, and self-worth. And that means accepting him as he is, and taking care of myself by silently forgiving him. It does not mean I am accepting unacceptable behavior, it means I am responsible for my own peace of mind.
Thanks for the thought provoking post!
Cyndi…
You’ve been given a challenge that you’re clearly up to handling. I know that it strikes a deep chord of resentment when it touches on your childrens’ well being.
But Cyndi….If you can focus on these 2 sentences you wrote me and really work on them, you will feel a significant difference…
“Ultimately, I am responsible for my own happiness and sense of well-being, and self-worth. And that means accepting him as he is, and taking care of myself by silently forgiving him.”
They are profound. Be responsible for yourself and your own happiness. Take care of yourself and forgive yourself….those are the first major steps.
I admire your determination to work through this issue…it’s a biggie. Warmly, Fran
Wise words, my friend. They call to the spiritual warrior in each of us.
Helen….Perfect phrase for what this is all about. thanks for the reminder….xxooo
fran, congratulation on another inspiring article…the gift of having the ability to forgive come in direct proportion to the way we feel about ourself. the more one approches a certain piece of mind the more kindness ,love and a true joy of giving developes. by having the ability to forgive one unloads heavy weight fron their shoulders. remember..love and kindness disarm any negative thoughts. be optimistic, learn from the past..live the present to it’s fullness,and always have something to look forward in the future.
Dear Betz….These are beautiful and meaningful thoughts coming from a very wise man…xxoo
Hi Fran,
This was a very powerful post, my friend.
You raised some very important points. It reminded me of a couple of experiences I’ve had recently. In the past I would have blamed myself for days and would have felt really bad about what happened. Although I was close to going back to the ‘old ways’, I was able to quickly step out.
A great gift each of us can give ourselves is to understand that beating ourselves up, never solves anything, and to develop the wisdom that we are far more than any action we ever do.
Hiten…
The fact that you are able to catch yourself ready to return to the ‘old ways’ is a testament to all of the work you’ve done on yourself.
Your phrase…’we are far more than any action we ever do’ is one that I will remember.
When you’re determined to change a behavior, set your intention, then practice and just work at it, the results are pretty amazing, aren’t they? Fran
*Love* your 7 tips Fran. I use something that I believe came from Marianne Williamson: I bless you, I forgive you, I release you. I bless me, I release me, I forgive me. It’s amazing how quickly this works for me.
Encourage one another.
Elle.
Elle….The marianne williamson quote is a keeper. Thanks for sharing. Fran
Fran, This really touched a cord in my after many years of not being spoken to by my parents and two sisters in UK- Im in Oz.
This followed a visit from my parents to me and within 7 years of their visit I lost both of them never having found out why they had cut themselves off from me.
After 5 years my mother rang me for my birthday only three weeks before she died unexpectedly. I returned home two years later to spend time with my dad who just wouldn’t discuss the rift. 6 months later he died of a ‘broken heart’ after he lost all reason to live after my mum’s death.
But this code of silence has continued by my sisters and though I have nil response from my sisters and limited response from one niece and after almost ten years trying to understand what had happend, I realised I was wasting my own life trying to change something which was out of my hands. I keep the communication channels open bless them on their journey and live each day as if it may be my last.
Patricia…As I finished reading your post. My first thought was ‘Patricia is amazing.’ That you were able to live through this series of terrible events (actually, I would call them abusive) is extraordinary. And that you are victorious in your ability to forgive and keep the doors open is a miracle. Thank you for sharing your story with. It is an inspiration. Fran