Most of us don’t know how to listen.
In our culture it isn’t a priority.
We’re moving quickly. Focusing on productivity and getting as much done in one day as possible. We’re always rushing.
But learning to listen can improve your productivity, keep you connected.
We have constant pressure at work and at home. Our mind is a 24/7 ‘to do’ list. We’ve become masters of multi-tasking.
We catch ourselves listening to others halfheartedly, especially family and close friends. Once in a while, we remember the close relationships we had in college. No matter how hectic our schedules were, we made time to listen to each other.
We slowed down. Had a conversation. And connected.
Today we feel isolated and disconnected. We want to make changes but don’t know how.
Learning to listen is a solution.
Listening is one of the most important skills to have. It has an impact on the quality of your relationships with others. It effects how well you do in your job.
The good news is that listening is a habit that can be taught.
The way to improve is by practicing ‘active listening’.
Here is how to learn to listen:
- When you’re talking with someone, listen 100%.
- Give the speaker your undivided attention. Look at her directly, always maintaining eye contact. When your mind begins to wander, re-focus on what she’s saying.
- Be quiet except for the occasional ‘yes’ and ‘uh huh’. Show you’re listening through your body language. Soften your facial expressions and make sure your body is inviting and open.
- When the speaker has finished, pause before speaking. Respond in a calm, non-judgmental manner, with respect and understanding.
- Reflect back to the speaker what you heard. Be candid and honest and feel free to ask questions. But keep your response short and to the point.
- Then be quiet. Let the speaker take the floor again. If she doesn’t, prompt her to do so by asking a question.
- When the conversation comes to an end, continue to maintain eye contact. Warmly thank the speaker for her time. Let her know that it has been a privilege to listen to what she has to say.
- The speaker will walk away feeling that she has been heard.
- Initially you may feel awkward. But you’ll also feel excited knowing that something new has taken place. You’re creating your own unique style of communicating.
- By practicing this exercise once a day for the first month, you’ll be developing a new habit. After a month, you’ll begin to think of yourself as a listener. Within a short time, you’ll morph into a natural active listener.
Now don’t you feel great?
**Want to share a listening experience that you’ve had? Have any learning to listen tips you’d like to share?
So true Fran. Not only are we too active to pay attention,our mind is busy, probably on yesterday and tomorrow rather than right now in this moment, and to top it all a whole bunch of people are on transmit and not on receive.
We can’t hear what someone is saying when we’re focused on what we’re going to be saying next.
Listening is a skill we can all improve on…and I like the idea of practicing listening better.
Thanks for the reminder.
e-hugs
Elle
Hi Elle-
It is always amazing to me how the majority of people don’t listen. And it is only because they haven’t been taught.
When I spent time with the Achuar – the indigenous tribe in Ecuador- OMG- how they listened to each other. It was a beautiful thing to witness. Those moments are deeply ingrained in me.
It is a discipline to stay focused on what another person is saying without letting your mind dance around but like any skill, it can be learned. And it is worth it. Thanks for your thoughts Elle – xxoo-Fran
Fran,
This is just what I needed to read! I’m so busy now that I do find that I am not listening. My head is crammed so full of things I “need” to do that it’s hard to hear anything that anyone is saying!
Thanks for reminding me to slow down and actively listen.
xoxo,
Angela
Ange-
I do know how busy you are at this time in your life. I understand it. In a funny way, incorporating listening into your repertoire is a sort of meditation and will ‘nudge’ you into relaxing. xxoo-Fran
Hi Fran,
“Listening” is a subject that should be studied in school and be a compulsory diploma attained at school’s end…… Lack of listening/listening skills leads to the poor communication we have in this world. Everybody yearns to be listened to.
Thanks for this important piece Fran … listen up people.
Be good to yourself
David
Hi David-
You’re singing to the choir. I have been a huge advocate of teaching improvisational theatre to kids in elementary school through high school. It is an excellent way of learning to listen ~ and fun as well.
It is true that each of us is yearning to be listened to ~ how much sweeter life would be if more people learned this skill 🙂
Hi Fran,
This is the best advice on active listening I’ve ever seen. Thank you for sharing this. I loved what you wrote about telling the speaker it was a privilege to listen her/him at the end of the conversation. I’m going to be using this tip.
Thank you.
Hiten-
Am glad it was helpful. All of what i wrote is just common sense when you think about it. It is all about respecting others and ourselves. 🙂 Fran
Fran,
Thanks for these reminders. I once wrote a similar post and called it active listening. It’s terrible when we just are in another place, not with the person who is talking. And you’re right practice will make it much easier until it’s a habit!!
Great post!
xoxo
Betsy
Betsy-
I think that most of us aren’t even aware that we’re in another place when someone is talking.
It takes education, desire, and work (with a good teacher) to make long lasting changes.
But it sure is worth it…xxoo-Fran
Brilliant points, Fran. I have to admit that I’m not a great listener. My thoughts are always running in different directions. I’ve learned a lot in the last few years and I am much more intentional now with really staying focused, honoring the other person by being present. I believe that if we all really listened more, this world would be a kinder and less violent place.
Anne-Sophie – I appreciate your honesty. Several years ago, I was having what I thought was a conversation with a dear friend. He said to me ‘You never learn anything when your mouth is open’. That stuck with me and when my ‘listening work began’. It is a worthwhile discipline – the benefits are huge. And how right you are about the world being a kinder, less violent and I’ll add in -more connected place to live. Thanks for sharing 🙂 Fran
We want to feel deeply connected to other people, fully seen and appreciated by them, and secure in those relationships.
Yes-it is human nature to want to be connected, appreciated, and full seen, and secure in our close relationships. thanks for your thoughts…